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Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on 
the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal 
remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the 
box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it 
was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one 
fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly 
a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the 
box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle 
of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but 
later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They 
bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the 
hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye 
don't bump the gatepost again" 
-Submitted by Julian 

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a
little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

One of my favorite stories that the Clancy Brothers used to tell.  I hope you like it. 

John was born and raised as a Protestant, but grew up to do the worst thing he could do.  That's right, he married a lovely Papist (Catholic) girl named Mary.  Of course, to do so, he had to go to the vestry and take instruction and convert to Catholicism.  John and Mary were happy newlyweds, but John did have some difficulty getting used to thinking of himself as a Catholic.  He went to see Father Casey, the priest who married them, at the vestry, for some advice.  

Father Casey hadn't seen this problem before, and was at a bit of a loss.  He suggested that John simply repeat to himself, as often as possible, "You're a Catholic, not a Protestant."  So John walked all the way home, muttering to himself, "You're a Catholic, not a Protestant; you're a Catholic, not a Protestant;you're a Catholic, not a Protestant; you're a Catholic, not a Protestant."  

That Friday evening, Father Casey made his rounds to greet some of the Parish families.  When he got to John and Mary's cottage, he thought he smelled something, and became curious, so he knocked on the door.  

Mary greeted him fondly, invited him in, and returned to her chair and resumed her knitting.  Before he took a seat, Father Casey asked, "Mary, where's John this fine evening?"  Mary answered, "Oh, Father, he's in the kitchen, just over there.  Go on through and say hello."  

By this time, Father Casey was certain he was smelling a smell that no Catholic family's house should smell of on a Friday night (meat!).  Sure enough, he went through to the kitchen and found John, standing over a steak on the pan on the stove.  As he spooned the sauce over it, he was heard to repeat:

"You're a trout, not a steak; you're a trout, not a steak; you're a trout, not a steak."  




Wee micky wer walkin up the falls wen he sees an orange sash, he stoops down and puts it on and runs home only to be met by his dad. his dad screams get u into the house this second. wee micky runs into the house only to be met by his mum. wer did u get that thing she howls. get u up to bed rite now. wee micky wer met by his gran at the top of the stairs.wer did u get that she shouts. get out of this house. wee micky says iv only bn an orangeman for 5 mins and iv bn rerouted 3times already

The Lepperchaun

One day the hero of ancient days the generous Finn McCool was wondering
how life on earth was now that it was under the general direction and total
management by the Christian church-so he took it upon himself to investigate
and on the third day after thinking it over thumb firmly on wisdom tooth and
after a large salmon of knowledge dinner he descended from tir-na-nog (the land
without egg nog aka land of youth) to the dusty pathways of Earth.

Upon arrival he met up with his Christian Counter part St.Patrick who was as
usual on the road from big house to big house in search of a pint and food and
of course selling raffle tickets for that new church.

What brings ye here said saint patrick to finn? Well says Finn I came to see
how things were under your guidance and to walk with you and find out. Well
St. Patrick says you will enjoy do doubt a wonderful pint of stout at the next
big house as they say there is none in heaven. No said Finn-he had taken the
precatuion of drinking several vats before descending-both because he feared
that the christians would have banned it by then and also to provide gasseous
fuel for his assent. And said Finn that bit about no beer in heaven is only for
the Catholics-for over charging at their festivals.

So on the road the two went talking about old times and the deeds of the Fianna.
As they got to one particularlly dry and dusty plain they met an old lepper
crawling along on the stumps of what once were his legs. The leppar recognized
St. Patrick with his traditional green vestments croizer,miter and large roll of
chances for the next drawing. The lepper said to Patrick -it is said that you
have the power to cure and that many have been helped by your power. Tis true
said St.Patrick I have done many wonderful things and many a good ticket number
I have sold. Finn said now here is a test Patrick in the old days we would have
been generous and we would have helped the poor what do you have for this poor

It is not a hard thing to tell Finn O generous,thoughtful Finn.And he motioned
the lepper to come nearer.
Lepper Said St. Patrick-Shall I cure you? (Finn was astonished-how could patrick
have such powers-impossible-maybe christianity has greater powers after all....)
The lepper said that indeed a cure would be a great blessing for his poor life.
Patrick looked down at the lepper then up at the still amazed Finn- Lepper as
you know I am building churches throughout Ireland. Yes said the lepper the
bingos and dances and dinners are without number throughout this land of ours.
Indeed said Patrick-Cringe did Finn- Lepper if you will give me a coin I shall
cure you-do you have a coin?

The lepper thought and looked up at patrick through the rays of a hot sun-yes
patrick I have the two gold coins which I have saved for burial-but if you can
cure me they will be yours and he unwrapped them from the cloth and handed them
to the Saint.Finn at this point could bear no more -he took Patrick asside and
said:"Patrick how can you deceive a poor man like this -this had better be
good...'Patrick said to Finn watch and you shall see.

Patrick reached into his green satchel and pulled out two large pint bottles of
Stout and uncapped them. lepper If you wish to be saved kneel down -no hard task
said the lepper-Now I kneel always -so he moved into the sun beside the saint
and bowed his head in prayer and hope. Patrick with all due ceremony raised with
two hands the two stout bottles and poured the sweet thick stout all over the
lepper -and he said unto him-lepper with the goodness of stout go forward into
life and find your cure.

As the lepper struggled along the road becomming stickier in the hot sun and
atracting a host of flys as company Fair finn was turning a bright red Patrick
he said-what is the meaning of this terrible wrong-that man is not cured and
will not be and you have taken his money-how the world is cursed by the

Finn said Patrick settle down have you forgotten all the old tales-of the Tuatha
de,and the Fomor, of the little people-or of the Gentry and the banshee?Is it
that long that you have been away your memory gone?

Have you indeed forgotten dear Finn of that centerpiece of Irish Culture-

THE L E P P E R C O N ! ! ! !

May always good music be surrounded by good food story and song.

Conrad Jay Bladey Internet Carbado/ir

A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' 
with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do 
and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells 
barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother 
country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. 
Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man 
hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey 
for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin 
and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll 
be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for 
the pair of us. 
The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the 
pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley 
twins are here getting drunk again. 
Submitted by:KeysRinger 
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning 
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. 
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the 

     *      *      *        *        *        *           * 
Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan.  The young couple sat in 
the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance 
of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more.  Standing at the 
top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here 
all hours of the night?"  "Why, Dad, " said Frances,  "Michael was just 
telling me everything that's in his heart!"  "Well, next time, "  roared 
Phelan,  "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take 
half as long!" 
-Submitted by:CeCe 

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions. 
No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins 
to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya 
want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the 
doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. 
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be 
praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a 
minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next 
child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter." 
"Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey, 
Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor 
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you 
think it's the light that's attracting them?" 


A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is 
between Limerick to Cork. "About 2 hours," says the conductor. "Okay," 
says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?" The 
irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about 2 hours, man. Why'd 
ya think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a 
week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time 
between New Year's to Christmas!" 

Pat O'Brien by way of John Eaton 
Mrs.  Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's 
obiturary.  She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word 
and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away.  She 
thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two 
dollars.  But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died."  The newsman said he 
thought old Pete deserved more  and he'd give her three more words at no 
charge.  Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary:  "Pete 
died.  Boat for sale" 
-Submitted by:Catheryn 
A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession. 

"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned." 

"You've Thinnned?" 

"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times." 

"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down." 

"Will that wash away me Thin?" 

"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face." 

Submitted by: Dave Alexander 

Two shipyard horses talking to each other. "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic horse?" "Catholic, 
why" "Keep that quiet, I had a friend last week who told them he was lame and the shot him" 
Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him and charge him with having 
an armalite. 
Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are 
sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, 
what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English 
man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go 
to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. 
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to 
something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, 
after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off 
towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 
30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would 
you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German". 
It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the 
channel are about to be guillotined. "Do you wan't to be 
beheaded on your back or your front?" The executioner asked 
Smith. "On my back," said Smith. "I'm not afraid of death." So 
Smith was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner 
pulled the lever. Schlick... and the blade jammed. Smith was 
reprieved because no man can be sentanced to death twice. Hoskins 
was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed, 
 and Hoskins was reprieved. Murphy was third. "Back or front?" 
"If it's good enough for Smith and Hoskins, it's good enough for 
me," and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade. 
"Begorrah," he said. "Just a minute. I think i can see why it 
-Submitted by:Rob Ziegler 
Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the 
shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and 
had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower 
and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by 
came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try 
that budgie jumping" 
Irish business men have their names printed on the front and back of their business card in case 
someone looses them. 
Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released 
me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, 
then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and 
produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for 
weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie 
appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, 
never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two 
of them" 
First time ever on an aeroplane and he is noticed by the stewardess who can see he is quite afraid of 
flying. "Is there anything wrong sir" she asks "No missus" he replies "Just the first time I ever flew, I'm 
from Ahoghill, near Ballymena and the first man in the town ever to fly" So she leaves it at that and 
gets on with he her duties. When the plane is due to land she goes back to the passenger "Well sir 
were you comfy?" she asks. He looks round at her and answers "I telt ye that afore, joost oot side 
Ballymena. (all the fine pieces above are fromthe Collection of Mr. Adam Flinn) 
"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your 
"Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty 
comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!" 

Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill 
repute in Boston.  A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the 
left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. 

Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at 
that!  A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad 
A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, 
looked to the right, and scurried into the house. 
Mike layed down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat!  Are you seeing what 
I'm seeing?  A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" 
Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked 
to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. 
Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and 
there must be somebody sick in there." 

Submitted by:Tony Cooperider 
One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look 
at.  The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan.  I'm 
a perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in 
the morning I can tell exactly what's wrong." 

Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to 
bring him a urine specimen in the morning.  I don't know what a urine 
specimen is, what am I to do?" 

Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole, 
she'll know what to do." 

Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a 
few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over 
her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest. 

A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman!  What 
happened to ye?" 

"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and 
she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.'  So, I said 'Go shit in yer hat !' 
And the fight was on."-Mike Kawahara 
Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third. 
"Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die." 
"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other. 
"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my 
soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together." 
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council 
conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says "Well, we've all 
worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I 
suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at 
each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, 
I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my 
collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few 
days. Get it out of my system." They all look each other again 
nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, 
it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and 
go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third, 
who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My 
sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, 
pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it 
out of my system." They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He 
doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've 
all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others 
and starts hestitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I 
can't wait to get off this train!" 
-Submitted by Pat Varley 
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a 
train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, 
in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever 
tasted it? 
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." 
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, 
too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...." 
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed 
once or twice." 
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he 
was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" 
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and 
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." 
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. 
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy." 
Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus 
was never too happy about it, either. So one night sh hides in the cemetery 
and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up 
from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, 
"Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's 
to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who 
the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned 
old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm 
married to yer sister." 
-Submitted by: Tony Monaghan 

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea 
pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" 
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" 
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes 
another one!" 
The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They 
ran out of scaffolding. 
An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip 

When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants 
had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew 
vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of 

"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?" 

After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a 
of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back 
the interviewer. 

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!" 

"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + 
+ Tree make nine!" 

The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to 
make it 99. 

After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the 
trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer. 

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety 

"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree 
make ninety nine." 

The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the 
once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman 
asked him to make it 100. 

After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly 
grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side 
of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer. 

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!" 
"Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader 
Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a 
turd make 100!!!!!" 

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he 
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running 
down his leg. 
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!" 
Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging the Irishman's 
signature on a hot cross bun.... 
What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? 
Third grade. 
did ye here the one about Gerry Adams showing up at Heavens Gates??? 
weel St. Peter stops him and says to Gerry" yev got a lot of nerve 
showin up here an tryin to get in after the way yev been actin down 
on earth" 
Gerry just looks at him an laughs..."oh im not here to get here 
to give yis a message..." 
St. Peter says" oh and what would that be?" 
Gerry replies" yis have about 5 minutes to get out!!!" 
Submitted by: Phillip John Shields 
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, 
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." 
His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" 
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, 
and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one was neither of us." 
How do you sink an Irish submarine? 
Knock on the hatch. 
what do ye call a man whos been kneecapped by the RA??? 

-Submitted by: Phillip John Shields 
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of 
their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy 
vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The 
Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." 
The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink 
some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and 
drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" 
"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. 
But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'." 

The next joke is a personal fav: 

The New Priest 

         A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. 
 He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm 
worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. 
Just to calm my nerves." 
         So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the 
mass, he got nervous and took a drink.   He then proceeded to talk up a 
storm.  Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note 
on his door: 

      1.  A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle. 
      2.  There are 10 commandments, not 12. 
      3.  There are 12 disciples, not 10. 
      4.  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 
      5.  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 
      6.  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 
      7.  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as 
         Senior, Junior, and the Spook. 
      8.  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 
      9.  When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say 
         "He was stoned off his ass." 
     10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 
     11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this 
         and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me." 
     12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". 
     13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks 
        for the grub, yea God" 
     14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, 
         not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. 
-Submitted by: Kate Saultry 
Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for 
His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few 
spots o' rain, now?" 
Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter." 
The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka. 
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered 
"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" 
Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest 
man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." 
Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. 
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't 
do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some 
As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi 
pull me feet out of the stirrups?" 
The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse 
could get a descent footing on the cathedral roof. 
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a 
joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet. 
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The 
agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. 
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye 
say there?" 
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?" 
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with." 
Paddy and Mick were approaching a pub which had been destroyed by an IRA bomb 
only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins 
and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it 
for Mick to see. 
"Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?" 
"No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance, but Murphy was 
shorter than that." 
Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing? 
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. 
How can you identify an Irish pirate? 
He's the one with patches over both eyes. 
Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten 
other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. 
Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize 
her anywhere!" 
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his 
client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" 
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." 
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" 
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." 
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for 
unnatural connubial practices?" 
"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the 
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what 
grounds you have." 
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone 
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a 
reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this 
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an 
intelligent conversation." 
Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. 
"Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old 
friend Grogan any more?" 
Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive 
plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch. 
"Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump 
from the trestle?" 
"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the 
truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a 
murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the 
livin' bejazus outa me." 
"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't 
ye nothin' in your own hand?" 
"Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but 
not worth a dom in a fight." 
As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena 
shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where 
before long, she became a successful performer in show business. 
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night 
went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In 
the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her 
work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know 
what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she 
did on stage. 
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she 
went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. 
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged 
ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the 
other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this 
night, and me without me bloomers on!" 
Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? 
A: Paddy O'Furniture! 
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, 
what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who _saw_ any 
An Engilshman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub for a pint of Guinness one day. After 
being served a fly landed in each of their pints and stuck in the creamy heads. 
The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust and proceeded to order another pint. 
The Scotsman simply fished the offending fly out with his finger and proceeded to drink his pint as if 
nothing had happened. 
The Irishman, eyes wide with anger grabbed the fly and held it over his pint shouting "SPIT IT 
Submitted by Sean. 
O'Neil was walking home from the pub one night when lo and behold he 
sees one of the Little Folk. He sneaks up and catches him in is stare 
and demands three wishes for the little mans freedom. "Granted" says the 
man in green, "but whatever I do for you, O'Reily will get twofold!" Now 
O'Reily is no friend of O'Neil, in fact they hate each other, but O'Neil 
"For my first wish I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and 
beautiful women." 
"Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two!" 
"For my second wish I'd like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac." 
"Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two women." 
Now by this stage O'Neil is pissed off, the hated O'Reily getting two 
mansions and two nymphomaniacs. Suddenly inspiration hits him. 
"For my third wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!" 
-Submitted by:Paul Pearce 
Father Falnagan was walking down the street when suddenly he heard a 
scream followed by a thud.  To his horror he saw a lovely young lass had 
been hit by a speeding motorist.  In fact she had been hit so hard she 
had all of the clothes knocked off.  Father Flanagan being a gentleman 
placed his hat across her privates.  Meanwhile Michael was just inside a 
pub.  He'd been having several pints when he decided enough was enough 
and he stepped out side to the accident.  "Christ" says Michael "The 
first thing we got to do is get that man outta there." 
-Submitted by:Rebecca Farrell 
Paddy and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that 
they didn't know what to do...Paddy says to Mary, "Sure, and we have to 
get some advice from the parish priest.  We can't keep on with anymore 
children."  So they went to see the priest, and the priest says to 
Paddy, "Now, me boyo, you know the church only allows two ways to limit 
the wee ones.  One is to abstain altogether, and the other is the 
rhythm.."  Paddy scratches his head and says:  "Well, now, Father, how 
in the hell am I going to find a ceili band at 4:00 o'clock in the 

Submitted by: Lorraine Lacey 
An Irishman walks into the pub and orders three pints of Guinness.  He 
asks that they be brought over to him at the table.  The Irishman drinks 
the pints one at a time and then leave.  This routine goes on for about 
two months.  Finally, the bartender asks why the Irishman has the three 
pints.  "Well'" he says, " The first pint is for me brudder in Amerikay 
and the second is for me brudder in England."  The bartender nods in 
agreement and tells the lads at the bar who have witnessed the comings 
and goings for the two months.  Several weeks latter, the Irishman 
enters the pub and orders two pints.  As the bartender walks up to the 
table with a pint in each hand, he says. "If you don't mind my asking, 
have you lost one of your brother?"  The Irishman pauses for a second, 
sees the two pints and says, "Oh forsakes no, me missus has me off the 
liquor [on the wagon][off the drop]!" 
-Submitted by: Cholly O'Shiel 
       One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing 
          and gets up to the  16th hole.  He tees up 
          and cranks one.  Unfortunately, it goes into 
          the woods on the side of the fairway.  He 
          goes looking for his ball and  comes across 
          this little guy with this huge knot on his 
          head, and the  golf ball lying right beside 

          "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to 
          revive the poor little  guy. Upon awaking, 
          the little guy says, "Well, you caught me 
          fair  and square.  I am a leprechaun.   I 
          will grant you three wishes." 

          The man says "I can't take anything from you, 
          I'm just glad I didn't  hurt you too badly," 
          and walks away. 

          Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun 
          says "Well, he was a nice  enough guy, and he 
          did catch me, so I have to do something for 
          him.  I'll give him the three things that I 
          would want.  I'll give him  unlimited  money, 
          a great golf game, and a great sex life." 

          Well, a year goes past (as they often do in 
          jokes like this) and the same 
          golfer is out golfing on the same course at 
          the 16th hole. He gets up and 
          hits one into the same woods and goes off 
          looking for his ball.  When he 
          finds the ball he sees the same little guy 
          and asks how he is doing. 
          The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I 
          ask how your golf game is?" 
          The golfer says, "It's great!  I hit under 
          par every time." 
          The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And 
          might I ask how your money 
          is holding out?" 

          The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention 
          it, every time I put my  hand in my pocket, I 
          pull out a hundred dollar bill." 

          The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that 
          for you, too.  And might I  ask how your sex 
          life is?" 

          The golfer looks at him a little shyly and 
          says, "Well, maybe once or  twice a week." 

          The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once 
          or twice a week?  Is  that all?!" 

          The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, 
          that's not too bad for a  Catholic priest in 
          a small parish."-Submitted by: Dave Riley 
Did you hear about the guy who went to the races and while there he 
observed a roman catholic priest who went over to a horse and sprinkled 
it with holy water and the horse went on to win the race, streaks ahead 
of the opposition, then at before the next race he saw the priest go 
over to another horse and sprinkle it with holy water, and like the 
first horse it went on to win it's race, so the guy said to him self if 
the priest sprinlkes another horse with holy water I am going to bet 
every penny I have on that horse, and sure enough the priest went over 
to another horse and sprinkled it with holy water, and the other guy 
went to a bookie and bet every penny he had on this horse. 

Then the race started and the horse that the priest sprinkled with holy 
water dropped dead about 100 yards after the start of the race, and the 
gug was devestated, so he went over to the priest and said what are you 
playing at, the last two horses you sprinkled with holy water went on to 
win their races, and this last one you sprinkled drop dead after only 
100 yards, and i had put every penny I had on it's nose what are you 
playing at. 

The priest replied you are a protestant are'nt you and the guy admitted 
that he was, and said but how do you know that, the priest said because 
you don't know the difference between giving a blessing and 
administering the last rights. 

Submitted by : Geoff Mcgrath 
Old Paddy Murphy took his wife to the hospital to have a baby.  After 
waiting for a while in the waiting area, Paddy picked up the hospital 
house phone, called the doctor and said, "hello, this is Mr. Murphy. 
What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?"  The doctor answered, "You are the 
father of a fine baby boy, but hold on because it's not all over yet." 
        After about a half hour, Paddy called the doctor back and 
asked, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy.  What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?" 
The doctor answered, "You're the father of twins, a boy and a girl, but 
hold on because it's not all over yet." 
        After another half hour, Paddy called back and asked,"Hello, 
this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?"  The doctor ansered, "You're the 
father of triplets -- two boys and a girl.  It's not all over yet, but 
it's slowing down, so why don't you go get something to eat; I'll be 
here all night." 
        So Paddy went to a pub and got himself six shots of good Irish 
whiskey which he washed down with six pints of Guiness.  He then went 
over to the phone, somewhat unsteadily, and called the doctor at the 
hospital -- or thought he did.  Actually, he misdialed, and dialed the 
local cricket club.  When the person answered, Paddy asked,"Hello, this 
is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?"  The person replied, "All out for 
a hundred and one, and the last one out was a duck." 
   May God have mercy on us all, 
         Submitted by:   Jon Thomas 
Pat was lying on his deathbed, moaning and carrying on.  "Mike," he says, "I 
know I'm a 
"Oh, Paddy, have faith, ye still have years ahead uv yuh." 
"No, Mick, I'm finished an' you've been such a great friend, there's one 
thing I'd like yuh to 
do when I'm gone." 
Ahh, Paddy, I'll do anything you ask, I swear it to the Saints and the Holy 
"Well, dear friend, I have been saving a jug of fine whiskey that my brother 
sent me from 
Cashel some eight years ago, and I would like you to pour it on me grave 
when I'm buried." 
Mike sits silently for a long time and Pat asks again, "will you o that for 
yer oldest friend, 
Mike draws a big breath and says, "Ye know I will Pat, but would ye mind if 
I filter it 
through me kidneys first?' 
Submitted by: R.E. Bower, PhD. 
A man is walking down the streets of Belfast late one night when another 
man jumps out of the shadows holding a machine gun and asks: 
"Are you Catholic or Protestant?" 
The first man responds "Neither I'm Jewish." 
In a hail of gun fire he falls dead.  The second man starts to walk away 
and thinks to himself, I'm the luckiest damn Arab in Ireland. 
-Submitted by : Steve Sisson 
One night, in the wee hours, a lad began pounding on the doors of the public house.  "I must have me half'n half!" he yelled. "I must have me half'n half!"  The pub owner and his wife were upstairs, asleep in bed.  The good wife heard the din below and woke her husband.  "I must have me half'n half!" was the cry heard from below as the owner threw open the window and looked down on the lad.  "Go away man!  We'll open again in the mornin'."  the pub owner yelled.  "I must have me half'n half!  I must have me half'n half!", the lad hollered with great gusto.  The pub owner again announced that the pub will be closed until morning.  "I must have me half'n half!" was the persistent cry from below. The owner shouted, " Hold on a minute."  And with that he reached under the bed and grabbed the thundering jug.  He walked with it over to the window, poured the contents down over the besotted lad and cried out, "There's your half'n half!  Half mine, half the old lady's!"  And went off to bed. 
-Submitted by: Mike Shannon 
paddy and mick are walking together and paddy says 
"mick, have you shit yer sel?" 
"no, a have not", replies mick. 
the two tinkers keep marching down the dirt track looking for an abode 
when the that certain whiff once again catches the nose of paddy; 
"mick, are you sure you havn't shit yer sel?" 
"a have'nt shit ma sel" retorts mick. 
they reach a barn and the two decide to bed down. 
mick takes down his trousers and the tell tale signs are there for paddy 
to see. 
"mick, a thought you said you hadn't shit yer sel" says paddy as he 
points to the offending pile inside his pal's kegs. 
"oh, a thought you meant today paddy!" 
-Submitted by Chris Roe 
At the end of his sermon Father O'Briain turned to his listeners and 
 said:  "Now, let me ask you.  Which of you thinks truly he is bound for 
 Paradise?  Would you please stand?" 
         He was pleased to note that nearly all of his parishioners stood up. 
 "That's good," he exclaimed.  "But now, let me ask you.  Which of you thinks 
 he is bound for Hell?  Would you stand?" 
         After a few seconds, Jock Burke slowly got to his feet, and remained 
 standing as the priest eyed him with sadness. 
         Afterwards, as the worshippers filed out, Father O'Briain pulled 
 Jock aside and asked him, "Now, Jock, what is it that makes you fear you're 
 bound for Hell?"  To which he responded, "O, Father, I have no fear for my 
 own outcome, but I did feel sorry for you standing up there all by yourself." 
-Submitted by Jeffrey Erickson 
The queen of England and the Pope were seated side by side on the platform 
at an event. After speaking together the subject of the innate powers of 
their respective offices came up."Isn't it curious that with a wave of my 
hand I can bring this crowd to its feet ,cheering,"said her majesty. "quite 
to the contrary," said the Pope, I can with a nod of my head cause every 
Irishman in the world to rise to his feet cheering."My dear man I would like 
to see that ,"said the Queen. With that the Pope head butted her! 

Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!". A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike layed down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there." Tony Cooperider 
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the Archangle found him. He inquired of God,"where were you?". God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "look son, look what I'm after making". The Archangle Micahel looked puzzled and said, "what is it?" God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's north America and south America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hotspot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the Archangle said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot onearth; Beautiful mountains,lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be greatcrack and they're going to be found traveling the world.They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangle gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance God replied wisely: "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them" ********************************************************************  What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk at the wake. 
There's a new Irish restaurant being built near downtown L.A. They are going to serve gourmet 7-course Irish meals. 
Everyone coming the door gets a potato and a six-pack. 
What's Black and Blue and floats in Sydney Harbour? 
A person caught telling "Paddy the Irishman" jokes.-G.Davis 

Pat went into the jewelry store, pulled out his pocket watch and told the 
clerk it wasn't working. The clerk unscrewed the back and opened it up and a 
little cockroach fell out. Pat exclaimed, "no wonder it didn't work, the 
engineer is dead!"-Pete Stuart 

Pat and Mike were very good friends and Pat came over to Mike's house to 
visit. When he entered the home, Mike wasn't there. Mike's wife was holding 
their baby and trying to put up curtains at the same time. She said, "Pat, 
I'm glad you came, would you mind holding the baby while I finish the 
curtains?" A few minutes later, Pat came in and said to Mike, "How Ya doin 
Mike?" Mike replied, "I'm holding my own". That's when the battle started.-Pete Stuart 


 An Irishman walking along the shore notices an old lamp lying among the rocks. He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp. The genie tells the Irishman he
 will grant him three wishes. The Irishman says "Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guiness that never goes dry". "Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guiness.
 The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically fills back up. Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up. A third time he drinks it down, and by now the
 genie is becoming impatient. "So what do you want for your other two wishes"? askes the irritated genie. "Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one". 


 a fellow is talking to his irish buddy ad says, " i gotta stop drinking that irish whisky" "how come?" asked his friend. "Because every saturday night i go out and drink a fifth of the stuff,
 come home, make mad passionate love to the wife, wake up sunday morning and go to church." "whats wrong with that?" the irishman asks. "a lot of good irishman go out on saturday
 night, drink a fifth of good irish whisky, come home do the wife, and go to mass on sunday" " i know" said his friend, "but i'm jewish. 

 three irishmen, drunk as can be come staggering down the street singing danny boy at the top of their lungs. they stopped in front of flahertys house still singing. after a few minutes
 the window flies open and mrs. flaherty yells out, why don't you drunken sots go somewhere else. are you mrs. flaherty? asks one of the drunks. you know dam well i'm am she says.
 well can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home. 

  mahoneys wife has to go out of town for the day on a business trip. the last thing she says to her husband is to not go out to the bar in her absence. as soon as the wife is gone he
 heads down to clancys pub. after spending most of the day there he decides he'd better get back on home. he gts up from the bar takes a few steps and falls flat on his face. gets up,
 takes a few more steps and again, falls flat on his face. all the way home for three blocks its up down up down until he finally makes it home just after he gets in the house his wife shows
 up.she walks in the door just as the phone was ringing. she answers it and hangs up after a short conversations. she looks at mahony and says, so you went to clancys pub after all did
 ya. well yes dear said mahoney, but how did you know? thats was the barman on the phone calling to say you left your wheel chair there.

 Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?

 It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to. 

 there was this guy who was 1/2 irish, 1/2 scottish. he wanted a drink but he couldn't bring himself to buy one. 

  I was asked, rather anxiously, what Irish people did about Irish jokes? "Tell them
 about Kerrymen" sez I. "But what do the Kerry people do about them?", I was asked. "Put them in books and sell them to Englishmen", sez I! 

Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar dicussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a
 wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'". O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a
 great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place.'" Murphy says, "Thats's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look!
 He's moving!'" 

 After a heavy night's drinking, two Irishmen stagger home from their country pub, intending to take a short cut through the graveyard. Being much the worse for wear, they decide to
 take a rest against a stone, where Paddy reads the inscription. "Do y'know, Michael, this fella here lived till he was 103!!" "And did he come from hereabouts then?" asks Michael. "No,"
 says Paddy, reading the stone, "he was Miles, from Dublin" 




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