A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer. With that a man at the
bar said I don't want to drink at the same bar as this dog. The dog and
the man got into a fight and the man shot the
dog in the foot. With that the dog yelped out of the bar and down the street.
A week later the same dog walked into the same bar, this time he was
wearing a black hat, a black vest, black chaps, black boots, a black gun
belt with a pair of black colt .45's one on
either side, and a black bandage around his sore foot. He goes up to the bar and says to the bar tender "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"
A guy walked into a bar and ordered two drinks.
"How about a double instead?" asked the bartender.
"No. I'm drinking with my friend from Denver."
So the bartender gives him the two drinks. He drinks them while
sipping from each glass. This goes on for a few months. A couple of times a
week he comes into the bar to drink with his friend from Denver.
One day he comes in and orders only one drink.
"Did your friend from Denver die?" asked the bartender.
"No. My doctor told me to stop drinking."
Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender
says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
A man from Ward 3 sneaked out of the City Hospital down to Shaftesbury
Square and ino Lavery's pub still in his dressing gown. He ordered a pint
of Smithwick's and a
double Black Bush. Having downed them in 5 minutes he asked for the same again. As he drained the last drops of the Bush he said to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking
this with what I've got."
The barman stood back, alarmed, and asked "What have you got?"
"About 50p" (not much money) said the patient.
Two blondes walk into the bar....You'd think
one of them would of seen it?
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac
under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Get outa here! We don't serve
your type. This is a singles bar.
A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?"
The duck says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist
on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve
grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE
MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"
With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?"
The bartender, puzzled, said no.
The duck then looked him square in the eye
and said, "Got any grapes?"
A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve you here unless you are wearing a tie."
The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and
goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is
a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck,
goes back in and asks, "How's this?"
The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't
A chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!"
The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink."
A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. speak up!"
"May I please have a drink?"
"What? You have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."
"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.
"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
Two cannibals walk into a bar and sits beside this clown. The first
cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown.
Suddenly the second clown
looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?"
This snail crawl's up to this bar as it was being closed. The snail
pounds and pounds on the door until the bar tender finally opens the door.
Bar tender looks around and
sees nothing until the snail demanded a beer. The bar tender looked down and sees him but replies, "Hey, we're closed now and besides we don't serve snails!" and then
proceeds to slam the door. The snail again pounds on the door until the bar tender got so frustrated that he opened the door again and kicks the snail away.
A year later as the bartender was about to
close again, he hears a pounding on the door again. He opens the door and
looks down to see the same snail again. The snail
looked up and replies, "What'd you do that for?"
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a
Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes.
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I
can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because
you can't hold your
Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him,
"Why not? We're cultured individuals."
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